all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
