My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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