I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
