i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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