I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
