god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
