my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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