when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
