Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize