Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
