I puked a lego.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
