I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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