Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
