im drinking this country out of the recession.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
