I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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