I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
