Im at strip club and am horny
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
