i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
