The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
