I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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