I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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