he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
