i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
