ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
