i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
