I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
