Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
