you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Boobs speak an international language.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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