If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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