They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
