her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
