....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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