Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
