I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
