I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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