I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
