I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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