some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
