Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
