Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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