why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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