I wanna passion pit in your ass
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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