You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
