You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
