I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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