I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
