my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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