if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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