Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How's work?
Spinning.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
