Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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