so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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