When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
