my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I deserve this hangover.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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