when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
