you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
God I need to hump something, right now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
