I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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