i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
