I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
